But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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A Slip, But I'm Okay

Kyle's been worried. He is afraid I will slip, am slipping, not being careful enough.
And he is right. Once I get obsessed I don't stop. Guilt sets in, a goal becomes the only thing I wish to attain, the lower number, and I don't care about anyone or anything.
So I ate the whole burrito at dinner. Yes, I was counting my calories before it. And the whole time I thought, "You'll gain the five pounds you lost in the last three days. You don't need this." I was up to 450 tops before dinner. Before the burrito.
Chew, swallow... I don't want to be sick. I want to be healthy, to give hope to others.
It started three days ago when I purged breakfast. I had woken up craving chocolate and ate half the box of brownie mix my mother hid in our bag.
Sabatoge! I thought about purging, decided to make a feeble attempt. And it was too easy. But I became scared. I started restricting.
I am back on track now. I will not let a number take me captive, tie me in chains as I vasilate between recovery and sickness.
I will win.

11:10 PM - Saturday, Jan. 28, 2006
6 comments

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dying - living