But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Difficult

You know your sad and you don't know why...
There is nothing to be sad about.
I hate those days. The days when you keep waking up from a nightmare, fall back asleep as to not remember the dream, and only wake up soon after another nightmare.
Consolation in Ramen Noodles, yogurt, Trader Joes 100 calorie peanut butter...
Yesterday I went to Alumni group at an old treatment center. It was odd, seeing faces I didn't recognize, faces I hadn't seen in a while...
"Its like I saw you just yesterday but three years before..."
Its hard, realizing I've done nothing with my life.
Nothing. The longest job I had was two months. I've only taken 21 college units...
"So mom, what did you do in high school?"
"Honey, I had a different life. I had an eating disorder and spent time lying in hospital beds and treatment centers or puking my guts up..."
No matter how I word it it won't sound right.
Maybe I should choose to never have children....
Maybe I should get a life, quit wasting time..etc...
But I am terrified of it all... the unknown.
And what is known is safe, though deadly.
Pulled in two directions, which path shall I take?
God I want to binge and purge right now...
I won't but I want to.
I wish I could cry, but I won't. That would show weakness. I have to be stronger. I have to be determined, outgoing, energetic, intelligent...
Everything that I'm not I've got to find a way to suddenly become.

2:49 AM - Friday, Jan. 13, 2006
9 comments

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dying - living