But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Logic

I am so stressed right now... Even if I didn't spend another cent this month I would still be thirty dollars short on my car payment. Kyle says not to worry about it, not to talk about it, that he will take care of it, but that just makes me feel worse...
A big not forms in my stomach as I try to figure this all out... Budget... But budgeting still doesn't leave me with enough money to live on. Stupid car.... I have a brand new car I can't even drive. Why am I so impulsive?
I guess that explains bulimia.
I am happy, yes. But the past few days I have been physically hungry. And I've been eating more. This scares me. I did lose a few pounds due to a cold and this most likely explains my increased level of hunger, but I hate it. I hate hunger. I hate fullness. I hate any feeling that makes me acknowledge food, weight, my body... but ironically enough, not all of my feelings. I like being happy, energetic, alive...
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I am these things. I suppose being stuck in an eating disorder is hell. A hell that I never want to return to and as many times as I say this the lure of losing just "ten pounds" is so inviting. But it never is "just ten pounds." Ten pounds is freedom, happiness, warmth, friends, comfort, energy. Ten pounds gone is obsessiveness, hunger, cold, fatigue, and and eating disorder staring you right back in the face gained.
At least for me. And for so many of us out there.
That is where I was going...
Ok, so from Scotsvalkrie, five odd things about me are:
I cannot sleep without deodorant, even though I never get BO.
I love Maple Syrup in yogurt with peanut butter.
I truly am, by all definitions, nocturnal.
I can make my eyeballs shake back and forth extremely fast... (You have to see it to know what I'm talking about.)
I get very attached to sandles.I wore the same pair for three years which acquired the name "Jesus Shoes". They lost all traction, turned grey, a few studs, etc... But I was attached.
Okay... so I am fairly boring... Anainsight, Mirroreyes, ethereal-red, genuine-risk, and purgingme, you are all up!

1:08 AM - Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2006
6 comments

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dying - living