But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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A New Car

Shhh... She's asleep now.
She hides pills next to the trash, in her shoe, pockets... The doctors say she can't have them. She screams, fights, cries, says horrible things...
Someone has to watch her all the time. I had to restrain her yesterday as she clawed and pushed me. There are still bright red marks on my arm from where she squeezed.
Insanity. Have I lost my mother? I feel like the warden, the nurse, the mother. I do not particularly like this role.
I want to scream, "Snap out of it!" I want her to be okay. To be the mother I once had, so long ago.
I got my first car. I am excited. I still have to get a license, but I have the test next week. Its a 2005 red Chevrolet Aveo. I just wish my mom had been well enough to go with me, to appreciate it. When I tried to show her it she snuck inside and tried to down more pills. I had to hold her down and take them away while she screamed bloody murder.
I want to get out of here. To get a job. I keep eating junk. I want to binge and purge. I want to be thinner...
However, it does nothing for me. And really, I need to get the hell out of this hell.

5:04 PM - Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2005
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dying - living