But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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And It Was All Repetition

The skies are grey today, threatening a cold that will not come in the hottest month of the year.
My throat burns. I've suddenly developed harsh acid reflux. Im eating breads and cream soups but nothing will cure the biting in my throat.
Last night my mom heard me throwing up. I thought she was asleep. "Gwennie, are you sick? Are you throwing ketones?"
The irony. She knows the answers yet when I am puking she denies the truth. Because as she has said, "It is so disgusting its beyond belief."
"Leave me alone!" These words came harsh from my lips and filled with anger.
"Come on Gwen, we all know what you are doing."
Silence. I went back to bed. No more comments. I got up once again to binge and purge. My acid reflux has made it all too easy. Cans of soup, bread, cookies... All devoured in the darkness of night in front of shows like "The Jetsons" and "Threes Company." Shows from the past. Because I don't want to be in this time. I crave the safety of childhood, my "ideal" childhood, and somehow those shows take me there.
Three fingers down the throat, a rush of brown and bile... exhausted, back to bed.
I've not smoked a cigarette in four days now. I smoked for four years. Lets hope I can keep it up.
I think I can. Because food is so much more addicting than nicotine.

I'm going to LA tomorrow. I will be viewing apartments in West Hollywood. I hope I can find something nice...

2:03 PM - Friday, Aug. 05, 2005
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dying - living