But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Don't know...

I am humiliated, betrayed... Someone who does the same things as me calls the police on me.
I'm down to two units of Lantus a day, taken later and later each day as to have a period with no insulin. My weight is at 95 right now.
I'm still fat.
There are these white oozing blisters all over my mouth. The inside of my cheeks, lips, etc... I believe it to be a bad case of thrush. I don't want to go to the doctor. They never do anything but give me more pills. Pills to mask the symptoms, to take the pain away...
But even if it hurts it does nothing. So I've stopped all medications. Lipitor, Lantus, Protonix, Topamax, Atenolol.... Just bits of insulin and a few milligrams of Zofran if I start vomiting uncontrollably.
Why am I telling you this? I don't want you to know, really. Its all for me....
My therapist said I look good. She said I look better than when I was healthy. When I asked her what she meant she said, "Well you looked so puffy when you left Center for Discovery." (of course I gained 35 pounds there)
I said, "But Im still fat!" She replied,
"No you aren't. You are very thin. But you look really good."
Yea, I suppose models are heroin addicts for a reason.
Like in the movie Gia, "A little death around the eyes, its good."
I cried. I cried because if I was fat and healthy it would be better. But I can't gain weight. I can't fucking gain a pound.
Because I will never get back what I once had.

8:19 PM - Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005
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dying - living