But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Selfish Girl

I finally broke down last night as I sat there cleaning my room. Tears began to pour down my face for no apparent reason, but for every reason. I cried for two hours. Because I hate what I have become. I hate that I don't have a single memory about food that isn't obsessive or disordered except one. I wailed, "I don't want to die this way," As tears streamed down my face. My mom tried to comfort me but it just all seemed wrong. Nothing could make me feel better. Eventually I stopped and ate myself to sleep in front of SpongeBob with about four boxes of cookies and yogurt covered pretzels.
And I woke up sad today. I was still stuffed from last night. My weight was up five pounds. Will it ever stop?
I'm going out with a friend later. I am excited to see her but can't stop thinking about how hideous I look.
Selfish. All I think about is myself.

10:14 AM - Tuesday, Jun. 14, 2005
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dying - living