But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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28 Hours Binge Purge Free

Grades: Ethnic Studies: A English 1A: A Political Science: C Psychology: B
And I don't even care that they suck.
Almost twenty-eight hours have gone bye since I binged and purged last. It seems like an eternity. I've taken all my insulin shots. I ate a cereal bar, low carb burrito, and a little over a cup of carb countdown yesterday. My weight is on the up and up, yet I am trying to ignore it. I am so tired of being weak. I must be strong. I must not lose my mind. My biggest fear, if I am to live, is losing my mind. I can live without physical strength, smell, hearing, but not my mind.
Yesterday my brother actually discussed my eating disorder a bit with me, something he never does. He told me that I am super thin and that he was over at a friend's house. His friend's sister doesn't eat in front of people. My brother tried to tell his friend that his sister was anorexic and not to push her to eat or make fun of her, which they were doing. My brother's friends got her to eat and said, "See look, she's eating!"
"Gwen, it made me sick inside. I hate it. I can never call a girl fat because of you. I can call them anything else but not that." I was surprised by this admission. My brother never discusses this sort of thing with me. All I could say was "Oh, thats good. I'm glad you don't call them fat." I also apologized. He told me not to. I never realized it affected my brother because he always yelled in the past about food being gone, about me sleeping alot, was mean to me and called me names.
Its strange that we are all getting along. If anything I have become the moodiest and everyone deals with it quite well. I yell about the kitchen getting mussed, complain about all the junk food, etc.. And no one holds it against me. I don't understand anything anymore.
I thought it would be easy to come home and do poorly. I really believed no one here cared if I died. I thought I had given up and come home to do just that.I guess it won't be so easy.

7:40 AM - Sunday, Jun. 12, 2005
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dying - living