But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Im Here, Alive....

I am okay... I had no internet access for quite a bit. I am back home. I didn't go to LA. I just came straight home. I know not what to write. My mind is fogged with glucoses, tired from purging... All I can think is, "What will I eat next?" My mom and I spent $90 on food for me today, all junk. I don't care any longer. I don't even try to hide it. I eat in front of them. I purge anywhere and everywhere. The toilet, bags in my room, out back... I keep nothing down but a few protein drinks, lettuce, and some pieces of lunchmeat here and there.
I am not myself. I am not even in my body. I am watching from a distance. So far away. I do not know this person. I do not feel her. She is not who I was. Perhaphs a bit of me the size of a grain of sand resides in somewhere in her brain of me but that is all. Even as I type this it is not me. That is why I do not answer my phone, not for anyone, go out... What is the use? Distance the self before the self dies. There is no hope for the self any longer.
My binges have grown in mass and calories. It amazes me that my body can tolerate such large amounts of calories in one sitting. A pot of macoroni and cheese, pan of brownies, two liters of milk, three yogurts, 1/2 box of cereal, two cadbury cream eggs, 1/4 cup peanut butter mixed in the cereal, two chicken breasts... All before I purge. When I binge that much I cannot purge in the toilet lest it overflow on the flush.
It is so difficult to type. So hard to get the words out. I cannot think. I move slow. I talk slow. My weight isnt going anywhere but my mind has gone.
I only hang on for mid July. If it wasnt for that I would not hang on.

12:16 AM - Tuesday, Jun. 07, 2005
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dying - living