But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Pointless
I ate two low carb tortillas, two cups of carrots, and 1/2 cup carb countdown. I kept it down. I took some Novalog. How proud I was of myself. It only took a few hours before I felt new life creeping into my veins, a sense of energy...
But at 3:30am I awoke hot, retaining water, not really hungry but needing something...
So I ate. I ate and I ate and I ate. Ramen noodles, cookies, chocolate milk, donut holes, honey buns, Butterfingers, Pop Ems in Heath and Reeses, another liter of milk, a baking bowl of Golden Grahams, Diet Dr.Pepper....
I went to purge, gorged, drugged from sugar outside, but nothing would come up. A few noodles. I drank more milk. I waited. Nothing. Panick. I felt ill. I tried and tried. Only Diet Soda.
My mind screamed. "Try crouching. Try eating more..." But I could injest no more. Finally, exhausted, I fell into bed.
7:00am. The family is leaving for work. I can taste the glucoses on my tongue. My belly resembles that of one ready to go into labor. I am choking on my own thirst. Diet Soda.
"Please God, make them leave soon." I have got to puke. And I sit on the toilet, trashcan in front of me, urnine streaming out, reaking of fermented fruit from so much glucose... waiting. Finally they leave. Finally I can purge. I vomit for what seems forever. I see the chocolate milk, the donuts, all from four hours before... The bathroom smells sickeningly sweet.
18 Diet Sodas. I am weak. Run to the bathroom, urinate. My sugars must be over 1,000. I can hardly swallow, tongue so dry... Finally I begin to feel a bit better. So I go into my room, empty out the bin with yesterday's vomit, wash it, make sure the spot with yesterday's puke is buried well outside, make sure the toilet is clean....
I vomit entirely too much. I reak of it. I was so proud to keep something down yesterday. For the first time in days I kept something down, took more than four units of Lantus, took some Novalog, a major feat...
And it was all for nothing. Nothing. The banality of my existence.
10:34 AM - Wednesday, Jun. 08, 2005
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dying - living
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