But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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A Great Day

Do I come off as intimidating? I don't mean to. Do I seem well put together? Like I can take care of them and myself? Ahh, deceit. Where did I ever learn that?
I saw my old psychiatrist/therapist/case coordinator today. He drove two hours to see me, though I haven't seen him in years. He is one of the few people I have ever liked from this sort of profession, the one that I have always trusted. I had the best day I have had in a long time. It was so nice to talk to him again, to get his advice, just to see him. We went to Old Town Sacramento. He looked really good, so fit. Not changed a bit. He said the same of me. In a few weeks he is doing a triathlon and now has three kids.
He bought me a few things at the stores and made me promise to eat something. We ordered Mexican food and one of the waiters there thought we were a couple. He got a kick out of that. "If only he knew the real story!" He laughed. Always so good humored.
"Can you walk up the stairs okay? Are you sure the heat isn't too much for you?" Finally he said, "I'm sorry I keep asking you all these questions, you just seem so fragile!"
I was a bit shocked at that. Me, fragile? I am not in the least. A bit tired, yes, but alright. Better than alright.
I hated to see him go. I wanted to go with him. And he left at the time when my binge monster kicks in, when I feel obligated to binge and purge... I hated it. I felt like I had ruined everything he had done for me while I binged. Three chicken tacos, rice, beans, flan, a box of cookies, a large Marzipan filled chocolate bar, Reese's peanut butter cups, chocolate milk, Nestle tollhouse ice cream sandwich... So much. My roommate in the bathroom, I fell asleep waiting. I woke up two hours later, more thirsty than those who are deprived of water in the desert. Sweet glucoses coated my tongue, but as I took a drink of diet soda I realized I would have to purge. There was no escape.
I was sick. Sick from bingeing, sick from the shock I bestowed upon my system...
But nothing will change the great day I had today. I feel more at peace and happier than I have in the longest. And I kept down lunch. A scary lunch too. A taco, some rice, and beans.
Some people really love you. And it hurts worse than fire on flesh when they leave. I wanted to cry, but I must remember the day.
I must hang on to the good in life.

11:05 PM - Wednesday, May. 25, 2005
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dying - living