But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Stop!!!!

I skipped political science to binge and purge. Forty dollars washed away on foods that were flushed away.
I was starving. Nothing could cure my insatiable appetite. Even as I walked to the toilet stuffed as a pig ready for the Christmas slaughter I still craved more. My gut was gorged with Reese's Fastbreak, Take 5 candy bars, a Hot Pocket, large muffin, seaweed strips, carrots, Heath Bars, Honey Buns, turkey, omelette, chocolate milk... I could barely breathe in as I walked the twenty or so steps to the toilet.
Round two: A boxing match within myself. A tv dinner, muffin, Heath bar...
And it was all so painful. I shook as it came up. The second round I nearly collapsed trying to get it all up, my legs nearly giving out beneath me. And all I could think was, "I hope I don't wake up if I am to be over 100 pounds tomorrow."
Pathetic. Just fucking pathetic. Sure Gwen, kill yourself some more, why don't you?
I called my mother and told her I missed her. I do. I miss her so much. So so much. I want to leave here. I want to leave now. I want to spend my time in my room in my bed watching DVDs eating shrimp and getting fat with the fan blowing cool air on my face...
I want to learn to drive, to go to LA, to tour, to shop, to save money, to get a job, to be somebody, to help, to be happy, to be kind...
I don't want to be this person that I am. This fucking loser that I am!
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to binge and not purge right now. To run my sugars to high hell, which has become my worst fear. I want to eat carrots and drink coffee.
I am almost out of carrots. I am losing my mind.
I want to stop time. I want to stop.
I want to be locked in a cage to die.

12:41 AM - Wednesday, May. 18, 2005
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dying - living