But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Anger
Where do I begin? I am so broken. So sad. There is no one who can fix me. I cannot fix myself.
I was supposed to spend the whole weekend at my aunt's, Thursday afternoon through Monday. We got into a fight today. It was coming. It came over a bed frame that I wanted the moment I set my eyes on it at a garage sale. It is beautiful. Chocolate colored wood, high beams, beautiful craftsmenship... I could only imagine how beautiful it would look in my room. The best part? It was only $30. I told my aunt! Oh! I want it. Its so beautiful. What does she do? She gets their number for me so whe can come back and get it if I really want it, saying I should think on it, and then decides that she wants it. She calls my uncle and tells him, "I found this beautiful bedframe that will look perfect in our spare bedroom."
I nearly blew up. I finally had it. The whole weekend she picked at me about my looks, my weight, told me I should stay here even though I hate it, etc... No thanks for the help I gave my cousin on his booth, the timeline I stayed up all night making for his project so he wouldn't get an F because he forgot to do it... She just ordered me around, no "Please" at all. Even my twelve-year old cousin (who I love dearly) told me he found it strange.
So we fought. And I said, "I can't wait to get back to my apartment and binge and purge." A true statement, one out of pure anger. The whole weekend there I binged and purged, binged in front of her so she would stop picking at me about my weight, snuck upstairs and purged out of pain...
I ate tremendous amounts but it wasn't enough. Its never enough. I sit here typing in semi DKA, exhausted from lack of sleep over the weekend, the purging, everything....
I will never be enough for my family. I told them when I die I want to be buried in a cardboard box. Because we went to the funeral home for a friend of a friend, and the coffins were so expensive...
I can only imagine the complaints about funeral prices. Even my aunt said, "We need to find you a decent life insurance policy." Well, its been searched. And none will cover me. Sorry, better go with the box.
8:13 PM - Saturday, May. 21, 2005
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dying - living
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