But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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My Secret
Each time is the last time, each time I tell myself I've got to stop...
Only one more time... One more cookie. One bite. One quarter of the chocolate chip cookie. Because I haven't eaten all day. Its 3:00 in the afternoon. Then half of it. Then just the whole damned thing. Then two, then an enchilada, then a turkey sandwich on molded bread. Then some brown salad from the back of the fridge... Because its all coming up anyway.
A few ice cream sandwiches. Some Diet Coke and Carb Countdown to wash it down with. It doesn't matter.
Weak in the knees and sick in the gut I walk to the toilet. Its all sliding up. I hate it. I am panicked. I am frightened. I must get it up.
The voice is back. I thought it was gone for good. The one that yells, "You fucking bitch! Why the fuck are you eating? You are not allowed to eat! You do not deserve food. I told you to fast today. You are worthless. Therefore you are not worthy of food. Get it all up!"
So three fingers slide down the throat. And really its so easy. Too easy. Weak in the knees, I hobble back to the computer. No one will know. The toilet is left sparkling white, no brown smudges to show the sin I have committed, to show the punishment I bestowed upon myself for consuming...
My one meal a day. A mass amount of sweets, a gorge, purged into darkness.
My secret... If they knew my secret they would not be my friends. If I knew my secret and was not me, if I did not understand, if I was not empathetic to this type of situation, would I befriend someone like me?
Later...
I am so incredibly ill right now. Running to the toilet every two minutes. I don't know if I'll be able to type this. So dizzy and hot in the face. Hot and then cold everywhere else. Shivering. Diahhrea. Every two minutes. Pouring out of me. Water. Just colored water. My legs are weak and I'm tired...
God I complain too much. I'm sorry. I really do. I hope I don't have the flu. I haven't ever had the runs this often, not even when I took so many laxatives, not in so many minutes straight... And I didn't take anything. I haven't taken laxatives in years.
1:00 AM - Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005
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dying - living
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