But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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A Failure
So we (Bailey, Cassie, & I) confronted Matt today. He is lying too much. He lied about raping Bailey. He still is. He lied about what happened with me. Then he lied about having sex with Cassie. Cassie didn't really say anything, just stood there. Bailey confronted him first, and then went off on the tangent, "I'm not mad at you, I just don't like you hurting my friends..."
But she is mad. So am I. Before we talked to him about it she said she knew why people commited crimes like murder. I agreed, though I could never do it. I told Matt, "If I was a man and I was stronger I would beat the shit out of you."
Something is truly wrong with him. He didn't even fidget. He denies it all, saying he doesn't remember. Well I remember. And I remember Bailey crying, the horrible bruises...
I know they won't stop hanging around him. He is unnavoidable. He is Bailey's boyfriend's cousin.
I did better today. I ate a tv dinner before class, 150 calories, and then 1/4 of a super chicken burrito. I freaked out at the burrito place with Mar and Bailey saying, "I'm not hungry, lets go..."
"You have to eat, you just said you were hungry!" So we stayed. I picked at my half that I split with Mar, divided that half in half, eating a quarter. Then after the discussion with Matt I came home and ate, and ate, and ate...
Ice cream sandwiches, cookies, carb countdown, Popables... Until I myself was ready to pop. My roommate Ru came home with her boyfriend but I did not care. While they cooked their dinner I went into the bathroom, ran the shower water, and purged.
I wasn't going to do it today. I was too dehydrated from last night. I spent all night on the toilet last night...
I have this urge to call up everyone in my life and apologize for everything I have done wrong to them, for not being nice enough, enough Matt. I feel that I have failed them all in some way. The staff at the hospital, my old friends, my teachers, my family, strangers...
I called Tali and apologized to her. Because I really was a bitch to her. I forgot what it was like to not be doing well, to struggle, when I was doing well.
I am such a bitch.
11:35 PM - Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005
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dying - living
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