Fight Until You Can't

But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Appointment

Another appointment with my endocrinologist today, the first in two months.
I am hanging between the lines, walking a very thin line, as he said. He also told me that I made him sad. I make them all sad. They ask, "What can I do for you?" And I do not know how to respond.
Down six kilos since the last appointment. I told them I don't really know when I lost the weight, how... It just came off. They are concerned, but they also know that I know how to escape death. That I will live.
He encouraged me to go to medical school. Told me that I do indeed have the intelligence, that I just don't believe in myself. It was my last appointment before I move. I spent four hours there, and all I could think about in the last hour was how I needed food. How I needed to binge and purge.
I told him this. That it was so hard just sitting there not being able to do what I normally do, that I always say, "Tomorrow... I will start tomorrow." And that tomorrow never comes. He pleaded with me to start today. But I needed food. I was ready to cry, to crawl out of my skin...
After we left my aunt took me to Subway. I insisted on paying, but she beat me to the tab. I had consumed a whole box of granola bars in the car already, but I needed more. I always need more.
"One footlong teriyaki chicken sandwich, three chocolate chip cookies, and a large Diet Coke please." The boys working don't suspect. They never do. They always think that I am just a girl with a fast metabolism, a girl fresh out of high school, happy and giddy...
But I am happy and giddy about the food. Until I have eaten it all. And then I am scared. Once I vomit I am relieved. Then I fall depressed, uncaring and scared.
I see myself walking so high, above all else. I am on a string. Above the city lights. It is beautiful and peaceful. I am but a small dot in the beautiful world. Then the string turns and I fall down...
Down to my death. I think it was a dream, but perhaphs a premonition.
Every day, a new day. My hair, brittle and dry. So far the one sign to others that something is not quite right, aside from the weight loss. I must pull myself up. I must stop.
No more. Not one more day of this.... I edited this later to add this. Sometimes a picture can say 1,000 words. This is what bulimia does to your teeth before they really start going to Hell. See all those dark spots? The yellow? I can't get rid of them. I can't stop the damage I have already done, and I am going to continue to get cavities until all my teeth need replacing. So don't start purging! An eating disorder makes you look and feel worse!