But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Every day, its all the same...

Today my roommate asked me if I knew who had "puked" in the bathroom. As if the question pertained to one single episode... She said, "I'm not trying to suggest anything, but I know you have a history..."
Bright red, I said I would clean the bathroom. Lately the whole thing has been such a mess, puke stains lining white porcelain from me, her hair and make-up strewn across the basin... I really haven't wanted to deal with it, especially since my logic has become, "Its messy. It will become messy again. Why clean it every time?"
It seemed that my bulimia was the unspoken fact of the apartment. I never touch another's food, help out where I can, etc... Apparently it is a bigger deal to her than just that.
And when I look at it I must think, "What the fuck am I doing to myself?"
I do not want to admit that I may have relapsed, though some are telling me so. I saw my aunt on Friday. She was completely oblivious to my state, to my weight loss, to all things about me. She just reminded me that she was proud of me for getting better. On the ride back to my apartment with her I consumed ten granola bars and half of a foot long. I quickly finished it off when I arrived.
I just ate two pieces of BBQ chicken breast, two tortillas, some fries, and salad with my neighbor. How quick I was to vomit it up, how fast I ran home with the excuse, "I need to study." I do need to study, but lately all I have been studying is the mechanics of bingeing and purging.
I have little dry patches on my skin, mainly on my shoulders. I am wondering what these are from. If anything they are only slightly unsightly, not painful... But my hair. My hair is coming out everywhere, wisps of light brown and blonde littering the trail which I walk. And I am dizzy. I cannot stand for two long, though I have a nervous energy. I want to run, go to exercise, only to find that my heart has turned to a hummingbird, frantically trying to escape. My vision blackens, then turns a pale yellow...
Blinders from reality. I do not have to live in the same world as the rest of you. And I don't. I can't... I suppose eventually it will kill me.

7:23 PM - Sunday, Apr. 24, 2005
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dying - living