But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Am Sorry to All of You

I am so sorry to everyone. I really messed up. I am not leaving my apartment, my bed, nothing... I do not wish to be seen. And I am never, never doing any sort of drug again. Once was more than enough of that, too much of that...
Why? Why did I just do it? I suppose because sometimes I am tired of seeming like such a prude, a goody goody, or being called "the mom." Sometimes I just want to see what they see, know as they do, come from that angle, not try to empathize without ever knowing. And sometimes I just want to escape. Lately I haven't wanted to be, to exist, I have thought more about Socrates' "Apology". That nothing could be any better than death. And I am so tired of living. I fight suicide day by day, but tell no one except to say, "I am so tired of life..."
I feel so incompitent in my inability to do the simplest of Algebra II equations, even worse knowing that because of this I will never get to medical school... Everything I like deals with medicine, even bioethics. So mad that I cannot do more, that I don't have the $2,200 to go to Cambodia, enough credits or the right classes to join the peace corp, that I can't ultimately change people's lives for the better...
But I ruined it all in one night. I ruined everything. I lost respect from my friends, for myself, from you who read, and more...
All I can say is the innocent, childlike opology I learned so young, "I am sorry and I will not do it again." And I mean it with all of my broken heart.

11:35 PM - Friday, Apr. 08, 2005
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dying - living