But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its Over

I snorted crystal meth for the first time today. I had seven lines. I felt better than I had in such a long time. Not the euphoria that most people feel. In fact, I felt calm. Calm and not ill. A rare feeling.
And then I crashed. My heart began beeting out of my chest, my limbs cramped up, & especially my heart. I had to lie down to keep from passing out.
I begged them to call an ambulance. I had called my mom, who told me to do so. I felt better, suddently. I cancelled the call.
Joseph was the only one who would call. Bailey didn't want to get them involved.
And then the cops arrived. My mom had called... I told them I was fine. Sitting on Cs bed, watching a movie...
But I am not. I hate this feeling. No longer crashing, still so much time. Probably have more to crash from, spread throughout the day.
At worst I was suicidal, At best I was happy for a second...
And now I am boiling hot, bubbles floating in front of my eyes, jittery...
But what happened? Why did my left arm cramp? Why did my heart race, I get dizzy, and my chest tighten? How come I am thinking and typing and not here? I see other things, not this... Joseph helped me when I told him how dumb I felt again, helped me somehow...
Bailey is mad at me... So mad... Matt wont admit we fucked. Someone else brought it in the open, also with some toxic thing in their system...
And I do not wish to be...
I wish to be nothing.
I am spinning again. Eyes flitting. Could type so fast, so wrong.
Bailey* if you are reading this, I am so sorry I ruin your life...

5:09 AM - Friday, Apr. 08, 2005
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dying - living