But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Really Should Not Have....

Today is probably one of the most beautiful days Sacramento has seen but my world is black. The more I think about the question they asked me, �Why do you think you survived and Terri didn�t?�, the worse I feel. Because I shouldn�t have survived. Because it isn�t fair. And the more I dwell on it the more I realize I didn�t deserve to live.
I lay in bed all day. I only got up to fetch a bottle of soda or a granola bar. I drifted in and out of sleep with the news humming in the background. Everything about Terri Schiavo. And I feel so guilty�
I did not take my insulin until late noon, after vomiting in the shower. I am sure some of this sadness is due to the fact that I ran out of my antidepressants a few days ago, and every time I do so I feel like my heart is breaking.
I wish I had not lived. I am nothing. I am despicable. A burden. I help no one. I am nothing�.
I should not have lived.

5:28 PM - Wednesday, Mar. 30, 2005
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dying - living