But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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I Just Don't Want to Live
I couldn�t add this entry because my roommate was on the internet most of all night�
I woke up too late today. I missed my midterm in psychology, the midterm I stayed up until 6:00am studying for. Blood sugar high, mind in a whir, and thoughts black, sending me farther into darkness, I just could not do it.
I pray for death, but death won�t come�
I cannot explain my state of emotions. I am separated from them, I am not me, I do not wish to be, I wish to be nothing.
Because nothing is my worth.
I finally dragged this body out of bed at 12 noon. I mixed some chocolate cake mix in a bowl with water, purged in the toilet, gathered my books, and left to school. Everything was too bright. I could not take in what was being said, my thoughts elsewhere�
In social science we watched a video on the holocaust in Germany. It spoke of how the Nazis tried to rid society of all �undesirables.� I almost cried then. I have read many books on WWII, seen many films, did the majority of my history reports on such things, including bioethics in Europe during that time� But all I could think was how terrible that was, how such atrocities should never befall the earth, and how I, truly without doubt, deserve the worst punishment conceivable by man. In the next class our teacher mentioned that Terri Schiavo had died in the morning, which I already knew. I couldn�t help letting some indistinguishable sound leave my leave my lips, but if it could have been put to words it would have expressed my sorrow at the situation, the despair, guilt� everything at my being alive.
I came home and ate two hot pockets, a few carrots, some cake mix, and five granola bars. I vomited again. So easy� I didn�t want to stop. Just empty this body of me. Whatever part of it is me. So I did it again. Four times until I was satisfied. My body did not protest. Rather, it seemed glad that I was purging it of the evil contained inside. Vomit shot up my throat and into the toilet bowl with little, if any, effort.
Then I skipped all my medications, including the Lipitor and Protonix, only taking fifteen units of Lantus at midnight, followed by a sandwich and granola bar to run my sugars high.
Earlier my aunt noticed I wasn�t happy, begged me to come stay the weekend, at least a night�
No, no, I will infect you, a plague, you do not want me. But I only politely declined, stating that I had too much homework, too many essays�etc� Which is true. I do have a lot. But I don�t plan on doing them until the last moment, when I cave in, when my guilt at being worthless overcomes my desire to do nothing, to be nothing, to cease to exist.
I do not care anymore. After pondering the question, �Why am I alive, why did I survive when so many others do not?� I realize it was chance, luck, and millions of dollars wasted on an invalid.
I do not want to drain anyone�s life further. I wish to cause myself the most excruciating, slowest death possible. To keep going until my body is flooded with acid, drained� Until I finally run out of air.
2:56 AM - Friday, Apr. 01, 2005
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dying - living
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