But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Better

They say love conquers all things. Perhaphs. I went to my endocrinologist today. She is truly a lovely lady. I had her at UCLA and she was my favorite.
She insists I see the dietician, a psychiatrist, and thinks I need intensive outpatient.
But I am doing so well. My HbA1c was 8.0. I haven't purged in forever. Since I stopped the birth control my weight is starting to stabilize back to normal. I've only fleeting wishes of returning to the eating disorder, so faint I dismiss them.
I never want to go back to that hell. I want to be healthy, normal...
I suppose I will make an appointment with the psychiatrist. I can't concentrate one bit, though I study constantly. I'm getting Cs. I don't get Cs.
As my doctor said, "I thought you got As". I used to...
I don't think that a day will go by where I don't crave bones, beauty, the lightheadedness, the hunger...
But I know the results. Fatigue, weakness, impulsion and obsession...
To a diabetic breathlessness, blood tainted with too much acid, weakness, blindness, edema, and the hanging...
Hanging between life and death, to life by a thread ready to snap.
I love my family.I love Kyle. I hate hurting them. I never want to. And in the end, I will prove strong.
I am getting an insulin pump in two weeks or so. I really hope to get my HbA1c down to 6.5. I have time to make up, HbA1cs of 17 to counteract...
I've got so much time to make up.

3:23 AM - Saturday, May. 06, 2006
11 comments

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dying - living