But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Don't Know What I Want

I cannot believe I slept so late.Jewlz came to hang out and though I was on the futon next to the door I didn't hear her knocking, missed the twenty-two calls she left me...
And I feel horrible for that. I can't sleep at night. I stay awake, hooked on the computer, looking for a job, messing around on MySpace. What a waste of life! It interfears with my social life. Worse, it makes people irritated with me. I just can't sleep. I try, but can't. So I eat a box of Chips Ahoy, hoping to send myself far away, into the abyss of dreams that gluttony brings on... I went to Alumni group again. I want to make others better, to say the right thing... "Shut up, you are stupid. Don't open your mouth because it only reveals how little you really know." So I do. I come close to speaking but the words catch in my throat, pulled back by my insecurities. "You will say the wrong thing. You will make them worse. What do you know, you fucking treatment junkie?" And I listen. What do I know? Nothing. The more I observe and the less I say the more I realize how little I know. I want to stuff it down, disappear into the background, fade away... Not from anorexia. Not from anything noticeable. Just...disappear. Jewlz is asleep right now. The time approaches 5:00am. Soon the sun will rise, Jewlz will go home, and I will sleep away another perfect day, full of life, oppurtunity, adventure... Perhaphs I was better as an anorexic, bulimic... At least I was good at killing myself without dying. But how boring, repetitive, and insane it all became. Because soon I was no longer good at it. One day, when time is almost out, I will find it...

4:29 AM - Thursday, Jan. 19, 2006
4 comments

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dying - living