But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Stinging Words

Jewlz left this morning. I most likely won't see her again for quite a while because she lives so far away. I don't really want to see anyone right now, go anywhere, do anything...
I've started munching on everything in sight, food always on my mind. I don't want to, yet every sweet thing seems to scream at me from the cupboards, promising the cure to my woes.
I'm swinging on the penjelum of taking my ephedra. Yes? No... Its not good for you. Remember the burning muscles, high heart rate?
But to look good, to seem stronger, to hide behind a smile, a wall... Its almost worth the possible morbid end...
I know its not.
I spoke with my mother today and told her I was planning to come home for a week and practice my driving. About an hour later my brother called back to tell me that I am not welcome in that house, that I have no place there, that I just leave the place a wreck...
As you may recall when I came home my room was trashed with beer bottles, everything out of place, and my DVD collection stolen.
It infuriated me but more than anything it hurt. I hate the asshole but for some reason I still care what he thinks. Worse, I can't bring my car here until I get my driver's license and only I am insured to drive it.
Their words rip me to shreds. I think more and more about cutting them out of my life as they seem to have done to me. I don't have to give them my address, I can disconnect my phone, yet...
I'm afraid my mom will get ill and I won't know. She will die and I won't be able to say good-bye. I do love her, but its so hard...
If only I never grew up.

2:14 AM - Friday, Jan. 20, 2006
1 comments

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dying - living