But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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So Good

I'm really good. I'm scared its all too good to be true. How can I not fail? How can things not go wrong? It seems like yesterday that I walked into these doors ready to take my life if I could not be saved from myself. I was so scared, so weak, so sick...
It all seems like last night's nightmare. Someone took me in their arms and whispered that it would be okay, whisked away the ghosts, told me I was fine...
And I am fine. I am happy. I've been doing the partial hospitalization program for about a month. I've followed my meal plan, I've been purge free, I've been laughing more, I have good friends...
I am so grateful. But in three days the true challenge arrises. And I must ask myself, am I up to it? I have to enroll in school, get a job, an apartment, go to an outpatient program, meetings... All full time. I feel the world crashing in front of me though none of it has happened yet.
No matter what though I cannot be sick again. Ever. I see those who continue down this road of destruction, who fall back like I have in the past and I ask myself, "Are they happier now?" The answer is that they are not. In fact, they are are more miserable than before.
Somehow, everything will work out.
Somehow, everything always works out.

12:13 AM - Friday, Dec. 09, 2005
11 comments

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dying - living