But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Grateful

I have approximately ten minutes to update all of you on my life. I'm still in the inpatient program at no fault of my own, however. My psychiatrist, who has all the say as to whether I can go back to the partial program, decided to take a vacation for a week!
The days are extremely long here, but somehow manage to go by fast. Still, I feel like its an eternity since I've been home. I don't recognize my body in the mirror. I feel like such a different person. I don't like the changes in my appearance, but at the same time I have no desire to go back to starving, purging, or skipping my insulin. I felt so horrible when I did those things. I was just lying in bed, waiting to die, as I could do nothing else. I guess time will bring acceptance, but gaining almost a third of one's body weight in a matter of less than two months is hard to accept at first.
I am the unit prankster. Everyone always says I look like I'm up to something... (and usually I'm up to some harmless prank such as hiding a laundry bin in a room, closing the med room on a nurse, etc...) I laugh now and speak loud enough for people to really hear.
I really hate eating disorders and the destruction they do to those they take over. I wish I could sweep them away from the world with a touch of my hand.
But I can't... And I'm sorry.

5:22 AM - Sunday, Oct. 30, 2005
12 comments

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dying - living