But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Its Nothing but a Cycle

Heart pounding. Racing.
Little fingers sqeezing the inside of my chest. Thump, thump, thump... I lie down and after a few moments pull out my stopwatch.
137 Resting pulse. I feel like the bed is a ship on an unnerved sea.
Ativan. It slows the heart rate. I take two and fall into a deep sleep. My cell phone rings. I go to grab it and simply can't. Sleep....
"I really need some insulin...."
The scale reads a digit too high. How in the hell did I get above 100 pounds so easily?
It is unnacceptable. I need to be in the nineties at least.
Then I feel my heart pumping fast again even as I try to read my textbooks.
Fine. The vial wins. Poison. A poisonous cure. The medical drug. I loathe it and yet I depend on it for survival.
I will allow myself four units. It seems like so much.
My muscles twitch as I try to sleep. They've been doing this recently.
I fall into an uncomfortable sleep. Sweat pours off of me and I can feel every breath drawn.
Finally, mercifully, I am gone. And when I awake I'm a bit better. Just a bit....
I binged just a bit. Didn't purge after 7:00am. Too lazy. Too tired...
Too uncaring.
I think back to what the doctor said. "Because she isn't in complete kidney failure she doesn't have to be in the hospital". It falls back on the "We don't need to treat you unless you are in cardiac or respiratory arrest" and the doctor telling my mom to expect to find me dead in my bed one day....
Don't get me wrong. It still hurts. It hurts to be so weak. To have stomach and leg pains, to have a rapid heart beat. But still....
A part of me is grateful. I hate those white walls, the glaring nurses, the set meals....
And yet I want to be better. But then I will gain weight.
God, maybe I should go back to Sierra college. At least... at least I was losing weight through starvation. By the end I had lost over 30 pounds. And my sugars were okay. And I wasn't bingeing and purging much.
I felt better.
I wish I could starve myself again. Unfortunately I've become greedy. A glutton. Gorging on everything.
Would you believe my labs still indicate severe malnutrition?
Pfh
How I want to escape. I wish someone would tell me its okay to give up.

12:53 AM - Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005
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dying - living