But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Binge, purge, drink, sleep

I remember thinking starving would make me beautiful. That if I just lost enough weight everyone would love me.
I never thought I would start bingeing and purging my guts up. Even when that happened I never thought I would start bingeing and omitting my insulin instead of puking.
And I never, never thought I could feel so ill.
My arms burn. My legs hurt. I take so much Zofran; an expensive medication wasted daily on a wasted life.
I'm nauseous even after I vomit. I'm so thirsty.
I can't explain. The insulin omission is killing me, yet I'm too tired to purge everything I eat. Its so much better on my body to vomit yet I do the worst possible thing: I skip my insulin.
Its so painful. Every waking moment is excruciating. I hate being concious. Because I eat. And I can't concentrate on anything.
Technically I am supposed to be dead, yet I am alive.
I slept the whole day. I tried to stay awake but constantly found myself waking up only to use the restroom...
Letting the glucoses pour out of me, drinking another soda, eating another bite, only vomiting once between each cycle.
Why do you waste your time on me? Why won't you let me die?

7:53 PM - Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005
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dying - living