But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Later...

I've been popping sleeping pills since 7:00pm. I have one left. I'm still awake, too shaken up to sleep.
Inside I'm screaming. He went to jail for only a few months. Then on some stupid proposition he was let out on probation. I calculated it. He is still on probation.
I need to escape.
I contemplated taking all my Atenolol. Then I decided my mom would wake up, find me, and it would be a humiliation. I could not stand a psych hospital. Not the one I know I would be sent to.
I contemplated dragging a knife through my flesh.
Instead I ate. I ate and ate and then puked in the trashcan in my room. Fitday says I ate 23,000 some calories today.
This has been (read previous entry) one of the worst days of my life. It ranks 3rd or 4th.... Because emotionally I can't deal.
I can't.
I can't live in this world. I don't belong.
And school starts Monday. How am I going to make it through another semester, granted all my classes are online? And I couldn't get into any of the ones I wanted. Instead I'm taking Health, Astronomy, Nutrition Ed, Political Science of Women in History, and Art Appreciation.
I'm already dead. Its written in invisible ink.
I won't make it.

2:59 AM - Sunday, Aug. 28, 2005
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dying - living