But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Labs & Such +I'm Happy Today

Despite the weight gain I'm feeling better. Its odd. I hate to admit it. I look bloated and unproportioned but I know its for the best. My hair is so thin and I hate thin hair. So thin that when I brush it into a ponytail you can see streaks of my scalp. I dyed it today, hoping for something different. In hopes of creating a new me. Unfortunately it changes nothing. I just have darker hair. I do like how it makes my eyes look though, a vibrant green surrounded in a gold ring. People have told me that I can be intimidating because my eyes are so startling bright. That they seem to look through you. It probably doesn't help that when I talk to people I always look them in the eye. I was taught as a child that if you don't look someone in the eyes whilst speaking to them that you are lying. My grandmother always used to snap, "Look me in the eye!" Now its more habit than anything else.
My doctor spoke to my mom today. He said he tried calling the house phone six times. I don't answer it. I am afraid of the voice on the other end. I choke up. Why?
He was very upset. He told my mom that I'm going to die if I don't get help, that my labs were very messed up, but also said hospitalization will do more harm than good here.
Because I will go home and do it again. That I'm on a revolving door in medical. He said I needed a program but all can deny me based on my history. (I laughed when I found out my blood sugar was 576 and that concerned them. Ha! I took twenty-five units before the appointment!)
Didn't I say all that to my mom? She refuses to listen. She thinks that any hospital should have to take me in.
I suppose its a mother's way, believing the world can't simply give up on your daughter.
Sorry Mom, your daughter is a chronic. She can die for all the beaurocrats care.
But despite everything I'm happy today. Despite the fact that I can't stop bingeing, that I am miserable in my skin, that my sugars are always "HI" and I'm gaining weight even though I'm doing the same things that usually cause me to lose...
Somehow I know its going to be okay.

11:49 PM - Friday, Aug. 26, 2005
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dying - living