But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Turning a New Leaf

I've been far too sick for far too long. It seems like the days have gone by with me in bed reading, sleeping, eating, sleeping, and waking up to vomit, weigh myself, or urinate glucose saturated urine.
My vision has gotten bad, all my muscles burn, cramp and twitch. The bones are being crushed in my feet.
And then...
It hit me today. This morning. I am only awake because I was sick and nauseous. I got on the computer as my esophagous burned. I looked at cars....
Stupid really. I can't afford anything because I'm bingeing and drinking so many sodas. 48 sodas a day! How expensive is that? And all the food. Mercy on my soul for the gluttony.
I look like shit. I may be thin but my stomach protrudes as if I am six months pregnant from the constant bingeing. I may be underweight but it just looks all wrong...
Fuck the weight. I am going to take my insulin. I may pig out for a few days but it will be nothing compared to what I am doing now.
Edema.... I will have to accept it.
And I will pray.

6:08 AM - Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005
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dying - living