But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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You Wouldn't Believe

I have severe edema. Severe won't give you the picture. Nothing will, nothing can. I look pregnant.
You probably don't believe me...
I gained 15.5 pounds overnight. Its true. I was putting cocoa butter on my stomach and feet all day yesterday to soothe the pain. I looked up the symptoms of renal failure.
Edema. check.
confusion, delirium. Check.
Waking up to urinate more during the night. Check.
Retaining water after eating salty foods. Check.
UTI, chronic. Check....

After thoroughly freaking myself out I finally found an article by John Hopkin's University on a diabetic with an eating disorder who also omitted her injections. After being administered insulin she gained from 46 to 61 kilos in less than a week while being brought out of DKA. Her serum levels were normal and no creatnine was found in her urine.
What to do? They administered ephedra in 10-20mg doses every eight hours.
Yes, ephedra. It showed to be safer than their diuretics. Her weight dropped four kilos in less than 24 hours.
Wow.
So I took one of my diet pills. I am going to try it... I can't stand my skin being ripped to shreds, my feet being twice their size, not seeing my ankles... And my stomach.
It doesn't help that I keep bingeing. I keep eating and eating and eating... You wouldn't believe it. I ate six boxes of cookies. Not small ones. and sticky bun cake. and a few tortillas, some soup, cheese, salmon, cereal...
I didn't purge. I injested over 20,000 calories without purging. Yes, you can be sick reading that.
Terrifying isn't it? I couldn't stop.
I can't do this. I eat and take my insulin and put myself at risk for severe refeeding syndrome complications. I eat and skip my insulin and risk death by osmolar coma or dka. I binge and purge and risk killing myself doing that. (Which right now isn't really an option as I have blisters all over my lips and mouth that make it painful to open too wide.)
And I can't eat normally. That is the worst of all. I really can't stop bingeing. I say "just this much." I plan out what to eat. I make a meal.
I go back for more. No matter what. At that moment nothing is important but food. It screams at me. At the moment the guilty pleasure seems worth throwing everything away for....
Because food is love. I crave it. Mom is happy when I eat. She loves to make little meals for us. Its the one thing she truly never complains about if we are appreciative.
"Mom, make me a burrito." Alex. That is the one time he is nice to her.
I get my own. Unless mom offers. I do not beg. But she offers a lot. And then she is happy. She loves me.
I can't let go.

7:13 AM - Friday, Aug. 12, 2005
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dying - living