But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing...
Perhaphs there is nothing to say... Its all the same, really, but different as well. I've switched one disordered behavior for another, bingeing and purging everything in sight, approximately 257 dollars in food in the past two or three days. All the days run together. Sleep doesn't come with night, rather, it comes in whips here and there, a merciful escape from the reminder of who I am. And every second I'm awake I am reminded of who I am, what I've become, and how I just should not be. I have become cranky and irritable, glaring about the smallest things, locking myself in my room for hours on end...etc...
I have lost most of the hair on my head. My vision is blurry and colors seem to strain my hazel eyes but not nearly as much as the image I see in the mirror.
They have to know how much I'm throwing up. But they don't. All they know is that food once there is gone, that full cabinets will soon be bare, that it is all my fault.
I've been taking my insulin throughout this. Even after fried pancakes drenched in syrup followed by chocolate milk and creamy yogurts. Yes I vomit them but I am aware that the syrups sink in and I still force those injections.
I'm terrified of the one thing that saves my life. What others call a miracle medicine I loathe. Insulin. How could I hate insulin? Its a love hate relationship just as I have with the thousands of calories I gorge and vomit everyday. The only difference is once I take my insulin I can't undo what I did....
99 pounds. I look in the mirror and I see 140. I hate that I've gained, yet to take the pain away I would gladly be 120 again.
I think...
I say that but I'm not doing it. I don't even know.
And once again I've rambled on, said nothing of importance, no epiphany to shout out... Just a plethora of thoughts that all lead back to the same behavior.
I am sorry, I truly am.
9:47 AM - Saturday, Jul. 16, 2005
0 comments
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dying - living
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
