But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Better

In a little over 25 hours I will be hugging Claire.
I am so excited! Yesterday was an absolute hell to live through. I took over two hundred units of insulin by 4:00 in the morning. I woke up ten pounds 9.5 pounds heavier then yesterday.
But it had to be done. Torment. Binge, purge... I ate so much just to throw up. Finally I decided I couldn't do it any longer. Throughout the night I found myself waking to eat. Every time I put something in my mouth I took ten units... Anyone else would have been in a coma from hypoglycemia but my body, too overrun with sugar, was not.
And today I am alive. I can think more clearly then yesterday. I feel energetic.
Yesterday I could barely get off the couch. I found myself nauseated, weak... In the morning my mom almost took me to the ER because each breath came fast and labored.
So I took the insulin. I knew I wouldn't make it through the night if I didn't.
And I am alive. I have to wonder why I do this when I feel so much better.
I haven't binged or purged today. I don't plan to. I am too happy feeling well.
Perhaphs I should throw my scale in the pool. I've got to stop letting the digits rule my life.
Will I have a good day? Will I take some insulin? Am I acceptable?
And it never says I am okay. Why try to please something that can never be pleased?

5:26 PM - Sunday, Jul. 17, 2005
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dying - living