But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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A Battle
Insulin insulin. I've taken over fifty units today though I've eaten less than 100 grams of carbs... And my blood sugar is 567. Its so difficult to fight. I truly cannot understand why my sugar isn't in the normal range right now. It should be. And its all for nothing, this attempt at normalcy. I'm up eight pounds from this morning. Keep drinking fluids and I'll be up more in the morning.
The ketones are reeking from my pores. Perhaphs I did pull myself out of DKA. I was in it quite severely I could tell. Popping Zofran all night long, guzzling soda, having difficulty doing any menial task.
I am trying to get healthy but I keep thwarting my attempts to do so. I know you see the cycle.
Gwen gets sick. Really sick. So she gives in and takes a lot of insulin. Then she freaks out from the weight gain. She skips it again, goes back to bingeing and purging, loses back to the weight before she got really, really into DKA, goes back into DKA, takes a large dose of insulin.....
And if I eat and take my insulin I feel too puffy to breathe. Stomach sticking out, fingers resembling sausages, ankles like dough...
One week, two days. I must still take my insulin for that.
Fuck the weight. Its not about the fucking weight!!!
Arrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
10:39 PM - Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005
8 comments
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dying - living
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