But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Tired Rambles & Promises
I awake with some energy but it only lasts fifteen minutes, an hour tops. Then I am again exhausted. I fall back asleep for an hour, awake again to drink a soda, then go to the restroom, drink two more sodas, and fall asleep on the couch or bed. Anywhere cool. Though our house is kept at 70 degrees I am boiling hot. I cannot seem to cool off. Last night was one of the worst nights. I slept with the lights on out of fear I suppose. My lower back burned and I could hear every breath I drew in. The only way to get comfortable was to sleep with my arms behind my head. Finally I took sixteen units of Novalog. I had found my meter last night but didn't check my sugars. No use. I woke again at 6am feeling much better though still thirsty and two pounds higher...
I didn't even care. I was just grateful to have made it through another difficult night. Sugar 530 this morning. My heart is racing from more Novalog. Every time I take my insulin and bring down my sugars my heart rate skyrockets near 150, higher if I walk around...
I tried so hard not to binge yesterday. You'd think it would be impossible for me to do so, considering I've come up with all these odd food rules over the past, how long? Weeks? Months? I don't even know. I can't eat the bread of Swiss Roles, the bread of Dunkin Sticks, the crust of cheesecake, the soft parts of brownies, only the marshmellows of lucky charms, only the cheese of manicotti shells... And this is when I am bingeing. There is no food I can eat whole. And though I try to stop I can't. I thorougly embarass myself.
Last night I overheard my brother tell my mother he is taking all of his meals in his room. My mom snapped, "Why Alex?"
"Because I am embarassed!" he said. She didn't reply. I fell back asleep. Too numb to care. I care about almost nothing anymore. Or I care so much I can't care. I am a disgrace to all around me. Of course my friends leave me. Another one did so yesterday, a friend since middle school. And its okay. Its better for her. Its my fault. I ruin lives.
Today I am really going to try. I am so tired right now I can barely type. And my vision has gotten blurry making it slightly difficult to read what I have typed.
Ramble ramble... Worthless words. Today, another day. I won't screw up. I will eat, I won't disgustingly vomit my guts up in some pail or hidden place somewhere, I will eat small amounts, and I will take my insulin.
God willing, if you are there.
7:58 AM - Saturday, Jul. 09, 2005
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dying - living
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