But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Am I Here?

Truly awful in every way. That is the only way to describe me. Today was my favorite cousin's birthday and I didn't even call to wish him a happy birthday. I love him with all my heart yet I could not bring myself to pick up the phone, feeling like such a failure to all of the world, especially to him.
I do not feel like I exist. Am I here? I feel like I am in a dream, and perhaphs I am. Perhaphs this is a nightmare that I am waiting to awake from. A long, vivid nightmare.
I keep sleeping the days away. Eating, falling into bed exhuasted. No one bothers to ask anything of me anymore. It scares me a bit. I want to help yet the energy seems to drain me as soon as I am up. I plan to clean, to decorate, to go out... And then I find I can do none of those things. I spoke to my mom about all the junk food in the house. I told her it would be the end of me if we kept buying it. That I cannot have it around and that I cannot go to the grocery store with her. She is making a a great effort on her part not to buy any more of it and is doing a marvelous job. The only tempting food left in the house is one can of chocolate condensed milk, my arch nemesis... It will not reason with me, will not give me five minutes rest, nags at me 24/7... Yet I have not touched it today.
My stomach is beyond upset from this afternoon's gluttony. I vowed not to purge and I followed through. In the end I found myself much too worn out to do so as it was, crawling back into bed, dreaming of something... I'm always dreaming lately, never sleeping more than two hours at a go without waking again, but sleeping constantly.
I'm trying. I think I am losing slowly, but I am trying.

2:34 AM - Monday, Jul. 04, 2005
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dying - living