But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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All The Same
I don't want to write about how I am doing, what I am doing, but it is the focus of my life. Survival and food have become obsession. Like a starving tiger hunting for its prey I can focus on one thing only.
But I will try. Yesterday was not so terrible. In fact it was rather good. I bought quite a few cute outfits. Some skirts, jackets, shirts..etc... We spent $400 all in all and walked out with three huge bags of clothing. It felt like a summer's Christmas. However, I soon became too tired to enjoy it and couldn't bring myself to try the clothes on in the store. I sat down and waited for my mom to finish up feeling so selfish.
The doctor's appointment went okay. He has been treating me on and off for years. Just went over my tests. I'm okay. Labs from three weeks ago revealed nothing but hyponatremia and the high sugars. He gave me a prescription for sleeping pills. I took them and woke up fighting demons with a broomstick in the kitchen and soon found myself panicking and heart racing vomiting over the toilet. Sleeping pills bring me to a distant land, dangerous places, places I'd rather not travel but deserve to be.
This morning brought questions about how I was feeling, whether I needed to go to the clinic, if anyone could fetch me anything, etc...
"I'm okay," I'd state as I would drift back into an exhausted sleep. Its my fault. Only two units of Lantus. Finally after drinking a few cans of Diet Coke, some coffee, and a blueberry bread slice I awakened, still weak, too exhausted to do much. Every few hours found me between kitchen to fetch a soda, bathroom, computer, and bed.
I don't feel sick. I don't feel anything. Just tired and weak and thirsty. I just... I just say I won't do it anymore... I am not me.
I went down the rabbit hole again, stupidly thinking someone had dug another hole, a different one, but really it was all the same. And I kept going until it was too dark to find my way back.
1:07 AM - Friday, Jul. 01, 2005
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dying - living
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