But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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I Tried...
The morning smells so beautiful and seems so peaceful. It is 5:46am and I am the only one awake. I did so well yesterday... So, so well... Until midnight. I took my insulin, drank bits of carb countdown and a tortilla. I even ate two brownies and stopped myself before bingeing, an almost impossible feat. But then the monster took over. And I devoured everything my greedy fingers could reach.
You can guess... A box of cookies, the rest of the brownies, the last of the cheesecake, a Little Debbie... my mom ended up taking the cereal away when she realized I was eating it out of a huge mixing bowl with Hershey's Syrup on top. I didn't say it and I don't think I even realized it at the time, but I was grateful.
Dream, sleep, wake. What was I dreaming? Does it matter? I am sick. I cannot move. I have to. The sweet sticky desert sands coat my mouth and my distented gut roars in protest as the world rises in my throat. But a dam has been created. I try to puke, jam my hand down my throat, gag, anything to cure the nausea, but nothing. There is so much that nothing will move, yet I find myself surrounded by nine empty cans of Diet Vanilla Coke within the hour. The dog lies at my side. He only does so when I am ill. Only time will cure the madness, so I drift back into merciful sleep.
I dream of driving. I am driving into the sunset on highway 395. It is so beautiful. I am alone with only cars in the distance. I drove this yesterday in reality. I am at peace when I drive. I do not think of such things as weight, food, etc... I am too focused on driving. It doesn't last. I soon awake to rehydrate, choking on my dry mouth, sugary glucoses traveling through my bladder needing badly to be emptied...
Don't step on the scale... Don't step on the scale... I do. I am up five pounds.
And the screams are lost in the nightmare I have created.
5:46 AM - Wednesday, Jun. 29, 2005
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dying - living
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