But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Really Scared

Tongue coated in glucose, nausea incapacitating every part of this body... Its my own fault. No body could withstand the way I ate today, especially no diabetic body. Chocolate evaporated milk whipped in cream cheese, cinnamon graham crackers..etc... each can of evaporated milk has 350 grams of carbohydrate. I silently said murder by swallowing them, by following them with more carbs... And there were more. Finally at dinner time I truly went insane, deciding that I needed a real binge. A pound of turkey with a can of sloppy joe sauce, a super tortilla, cheese, hamburger bun, two liters milk, another can condensed milk, quarter pan brownies, 2 packages graham crackers, low carb bar, etc... Too many things to recall. And afterwards I purged in my room in the file box at the end of my bed. The walls are thin in my house. I know someone could hear me. I didn't even care.
Later my mother took me driving. I am actually quite amazed at how fast I am learning. The mistakes I made yesterday I easily corrected today. I scare her a bit. She sits popping a Zanex while I speed up, laughing, trying to hit a paper cup in the deserted road; I hit it. For once I feel free, in control. I am so concentrated on the task at hand that I cannot think of food, weight, how greasy and pudgy I am... And so immersed in what I am doing that I do not notice I am not thinking of such things.
I am so nauseous as I type. I am typing as not to vomit everywhere. To not vomit bile. So many calories consumed. So many liters of soda followed. Over fifty cans of Diet Coke today, I'm ashamed to admit. A blood as thick as syrup. And I know... I'm almost as sick as I was two years ago.
Am I scared? I fear I am so terrified I am numbed to fear. My screams are silenced by the lump lodged in my throat. Every day I say I will not do this again and every day I do. I could cry if I wasn't so paralyzed with fear.
And it is our secret that I am terrified.

4:23 AM - Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005
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dying - living