But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Normalcy Gone

I'm doing it again. Running sugars so high the meter cannot read them, drowning in my own glucoses, waking every few hours to consume liters of diet soda... And I am exhausted. I know if anything kills me it will be the high sugars. They are, by far, the most dangerous thing I do in my eating disorder. Food wrappers are stuffed in a trash bag next to my bed. Only last night I consumed three Reese's Fastbreaks, two bags of chocolate covered pretzels, and two packages of donut sticks. Only I don't truly eat the whole donut stick or pretzel. I take off the icing and toss the rest away. "Sick sick girl," I think, "You disgust me."
I have drawn a mouse into my room because of my awful habits. It was the peanut butter Oreos stashed in my closet drawer that brought it. "Good, I deserve it."
I am so disgusted with myself today. I am making it a goal to not binge, to take a shower, to clean all the trash out of my room... And then probably go back to bed. I am so exhausted. My muscles have become putty and all my energies go into controlling them. My tongue is coated with rotted sugars, a reminder of the glutton that I have become. And my weight... I can't seem to get below 97. I feel as if I am dying to lose, dying to live, dying to feel...
I so want to be normal. Yet I so want to be thin. Just ten more pounds... Its always just ten more pounds...

11:55 AM - Sunday, Jun. 26, 2005
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dying - living