But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Did It :)

The doctor tested me for everything. I wasn't completely honest of course. I omitted the fact that I had lost a lot of weight recently and he wouldn't know because the last time he saw me was before I went to UCLA... But he knows I have an eating disorder. Seven vials of blood were drawn. Everything from anemia, kidney failure, to cancer....
Lets hope its nothing but lack of insulin and nutrition.
It was great to see Jared yesterday. We were all quiet, it being such a long time since we had seen each other but it was still nice. I felt happy. I took my insulin all day, just like I vowed. I ended up needing more than fifty units of Novalog to keep down the sugars which had been terrorizing my body, incapacitating me for the past two weeks... debilitating me... But it was worth it.
And I didn'd binge. The odd part was I put a bowl of lettuce on my desk, "Just in case." Usually "Just in case" is a bag of cookies. And I left the lettuce alone as hunger ripped through every pore in my body. Because I knew it wasn't true hunger. It was the insulin. Large doses of insulin when coming out of DKA always make me feel as if I am starving, no matter how much I eat.
I woke up feeling renewed, awake, alive. Not like I had survived another night, but like I had lived through the night. My blood sugar was 140 when I woke up and my weight was down, a miracle... Insulin usually makes the weight go up. A smile crossed my face. Today would be a good day. All I have to do is everything I did yesterday with food...
Food will not control me. I will be healthy. I will take my insulin. I will be strong. I will have a great summer.
Something called an eating disorder is not going to murder me.

6:34 AM - Thursday, Jun. 16, 2005
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dying - living