But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Fuck
I am in Tahoe. My grandpa is raging. He has just killed a man. The whole family is drunk. My cousin can't breathe. I have to get him out of there, but I am weak. I walk out the door dragging him behind me. My grandpa asks me if I am okay. Out of fear I reply, "Yes." Everyone is against us. A family loans me a riverboat to go down stream. I do the heimlich on my cousin and he starts breathing again after spewing vomit everywhere. On our way down the river the raft tips backwards with his limp body. He is unconcious and in respiratory arrest. I try and grab his hand but I am too weak. I myself am gasping for air...
I wake up sweating profusely and hot. I reach for the last of the almond flavored cookies. I quickly consume them all. I head to the fridge and microwave the shrimp I peeled and cooked earlier. Then I call my cousin.
He, of course, is fine. He is watching a tv show. "Kind of like ER Gwennie. On channel eight. Here, let me go in the other room. Mom's passed out on the couch. Waaay passed out."
God how I love the kid. He is my favorite person in the entire family. The one person that has never said a cruel thing about me, always hugs me, comes to my defense, never complained about visiting me in the hospital. I help him with his homework, play with him, and I love every second of it.
I cannot bare the thought of what he would go through if I left him. I have been like a sister to him, as my aunt says. Over the weekend, "Here Gwennie, try this." At the Festival of Nations. At the grocery store, "Is that All you are getting?" I break his heart. I think the dream signified my fear that I am losing him, pushing him away as well.
I binged and purged entirely too much today. It was more out of control then it has been in a long time. Half a tub of peanut butter, a tv dinner, carrots, a honey bun, eight Reese's cookies, a Fastbreak, two Heath Bars, blueberry muffin, 1/2 pound hot pocket, can of Yoohoo.... All for brunch. Talk about studying for a final. Walk back to the liquor store, buy another $30 of food. The man says, "All this junk! I'm gonna kill you!"
Fiannlay I take a nap. Wake up half an hour before class.
My teacher asked me if I was okay as I waked into the door.
I'm not okay... No. "Yes, its just the heat." Smile.
After the final I came home, peeled and boiled a kilo of shrimp, watched their eyes fizzle and boil out, and a sense of resentment at the roaches of the sea filled me. Put them in the fridge, go out to dinner with a friend... Order a super burrito and two desserts... She will never know. She is convinced I have a fast metabolism. And I play it off well.
Back to the oriental food store. Drop another $30. Cookies, ice cream, squid shreds, ice cream sandwiches... I am slightly amazed that my stomach isn't ruptured yet after consuming 12,000 calories in a sitting. In fact I could even sit with it three more minutes.
Head to the toilet, puke... Take a nap.
Finally. Then the nightmare. Then the cookies and shrimp.
I
Kept
It
Down.
1:33 AM - Wednesday, May. 25, 2005
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dying - living
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