But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Planning

Goddamn it f'n smells bad in here! Can't I take a piss in my own bathroom without it smelling bad? I am so glad that I am moving out! Damn!
Then she proceeds to get on the phone and complain to her mother... I yell, "Sorry I'm sick!" And I am sorry that I have diahhrea to kill a horse.
Finally she comes in and says "Gwen, I'm sorry, but you've lost a bunch of weight recently and it kinda is hard to say..."
"I've been sick," I reply, "And I'm sorry I have the runs."
"Oh, that's all it was? Oh."
She thought I was purging. And she yelled about it. I let her eat all my food, fold her laundry, clean her dishes, take out the trash... everything. God forbid I get sick and she walks into the bathroom afterwards.
So I left for the weekend. I left feeling hurt, ashamed, humiliated...
And I went to Tahoe with my family. We had a family reunion. Only my closest aunt noticed I lost any weight. "Jesus Gwen! How much have you lost? Twenty, twenty-five pounds?" Bingo dear, you hit it right on the dot, I think.
I only glare at her and say, "I've been sick. You know that."
My grandparents took us out to dinner one night. I ordered a salad with grilled BBQ chicken on top, dressing on the side, and salsa. They sent out fried chicken. I proceeded to pull of the chicken and then looked over at my grandpa. I remembered my 17th birthday.
On my 17th birthday I came home from Rogers and he took us all out for Mexican food. I ate a salad with salsa. On the way out he grumbled, "I didn't pay over $100 for this meal so She could eat a salad with salsa." My grandmother only said, "Hush."
I almost did it again, but I couldn't. So I ate everything, including some of the dressing. I then proceeded to eat some of my cousin's fries. Afterwards I nearly cried. Then I went to the gift shop while the adults gambled and the kids played in the game room. I bought six candy bars. I stuffed them in my purse and took them back with me. Later I bought cookies. That night I ate them all, fell asleep, awoke an hour later, and went for a walk. Next to the stream amidst all the cabins where I could easily be cought I did my evil deed. I leaned over, stuck my three fingers down my throat, and vomited. I hesitated before doing it again. Finally I finished and walked back.
Four liters of soda were consumed last night. And this morning I woke up nauseous, puffy faced, and with broken vessels along my eyelids.
The kiss of death had touched my face. My grandmother gave me some age defying cream. I needed it dearly. No one pushed me to eat today. Back to carrots, fat-free ranch, carb countdown, coffee, and a few treasured pieces of lunchmeat. Back to reality.
I am moving home in two weeks. I honestly can't wait. I am so anxious to leave here, to leave this bickering, druggie, plastic doll, rich hell. Melissa, the girl I was moving in with, decided she doesn't want to move out anymore. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to move in with me either.
Two more months until Claire comes down. Then the real fun begins! Magic Mountain, Rodeo Drive, Hollywood, San Fransisco, the beach... I can't wait :)

8:04 PM - Sunday, May. 15, 2005
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dying - living