But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Better

I kept my food down today. I stayed away from the liquor store, though images of honey buns, Heath Bars, and Butterfingers ran through my head. How good they would taste. But how not good guilt feels. How not good high blood sugar, shaky hands, dizziness, and dehydration all feel. So I ate vegetables, a pack of Nabisco snack crackers, and 2 1/2 cups Carb. Countdown. My lips are a bit less dry, but I am still dizzy. On Monday my mom is calling my insurance to see if there is a therapist close by I can see.
I am still so hungry. I didn't go to San Fransisco on the field trip today because they were going to lunch afterwards, along with ice cream. How badly I wanted to. But I knew the food would be the end of me. The abolishment of my attempts to give my body a break.
I still have the runs. Constantly. It has become normal to me. I would be rather shocked if I did not. Usually constipation comes with vomiting for me, with low caloric intake, but not this time...
The guy I like. He was out of town today. I wish he hadn't been. How sweet he is. How beautiful his eyes are, how creamy his skin is, how lovely his voice. His words take me captive and for a minute my heart stops beating. I just wish he would reach for my hand, yet I know he doesn't because I am so awfully shy and leaving in less than 28 days.
I am so tired. I cleaned 48 soda bottles out of my room today. Saving them for a rainy day, as a reminder of what I was doing to myself. It didn't stop me. So I finally threw them out. Its time to throw away these sort of things, to forget them, to just move on.

11:04 PM - Sunday, May. 01, 2005
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dying - living