But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Why?

I am not any thinner. I look in the mirror and I still weigh what I did a month ago. The scale is lying. I am 127 pounds. I am not 106. The only thing that has gotten thinner is my hair. My clothes have stretched from wear. Yes, that must be it...
Get a grip Gwen. I keep looking in the mirror. I keep snapping pictures with my webcam. I am fat. Why am I not seeing any change. If there was change, wouldn't I see it? They call it distortion. Yet I cannot grasp it.
The guy I like... He is so perfect for me. He comes over, doesn't try and get me in the sack, lets me borrow books, takes me places... He was going to buy an ice cream maker today while we were out shopping and said, "We will be eating ice cream tonight!" And I said "No, I can't." Fear flooded through me. "Awww, why not?" And I didn't answer him. I refused. He didn't buy it. It made me so sad. I really like him. That is the one reason I hesitate leaving. I left his house early to come home to eat carrots. But I didn't eat carrots. I looked in the fridge instead, became scared, weighed myself, and decided not to eat. Tomorrow, tomorrow I will eat... I ate enough today.
Today. Today I went to bed at 7:30am. Because I was hungry I could not sleep. Finally I ate two cups of carrots and half an ice cream bar. Dropping the other half in the trash I fell asleep, exhuasted. Later I awoke and had one thought on my mind. Food. Binge. I ate three ice cream bars, a turkey sandwich, some little milky way popems, and purged. Too much too keep down. Too painful. I was shaky by the time I got them up. I had to wait for my roommate to leave, to go to work. Gone are the days of not caring. Of eating when I am hungry, of eating just because it looks good... Of eating because I need food.
Why? Why? Because it is safe. Because it isn't safe. Because I deserve it. Because I am losing my insurance. Because I ruin people's lives. Because I cost so much money. Why? It makes no sense. I really don't know why...

12:05 AM - Sunday, May. 01, 2005
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dying - living