But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Something Worthless
I will get a therapist. I will keep down food. I will not purge. This I say now after being awake for a few hours.
I woke up at 3:00pm a bit hungry. Without even thinking I reached for the cookies and began to eat. The sirens went off in my head. "You dumb little bitch! What in the hell are you doing? Why don't you think before you act?"
I drive myself insane. Why did I act on impulse? How could I truly not have thought before I took that bite? I ate two of them. My stomach churned. The roommates were gone. I walked into the bathroom, looked at my reflection... Is that me? Yes I am fat. But am I? No, not really the definition of "fat" just not who I want to be. My gut raged with anger at the cookies I allowed it. Over the toilet bowl... Too early. It was too early in the day. My legs nearly buckled beneath me, me a shivering wretch hanging above the porcelain bowl... Pathetic. Just pathetic.
I quickly flush, wash my hands, gargle... Look at my reflection again... How much I have changed in the past month. But have I? I must have. Dark circles line my eyes. The green seems to reflect sharply back through the purple. I use a bit of foundation to cover the circles, maskara to hide dead look, a pink stick to cover the dry lips...
I am so fake. I am not who you want me to be. I am such a coward. A liar. I should be better. I should not be doing this.
If only you saw the real me you would run and scream... hide in terror. If I saw the real me I would not be the coward I am anymore. I would desist. I hate myself for what I have done to you all, to them... This girl is not who she once was. She is just a shell of that person. The person who used to be inside is gone.
I am only a memory. The inside is something entirely different. Something gone awry. Something dark.
5:56 PM - Friday, Apr. 29, 2005
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dying - living
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