But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rambles
PS-Please take my survey!!! Last entry, in the notes to copy and paste, or in surveys ;)***********************
I went to a birthday party last night. The guy I liked payed attention to me and he eventually fell asleep next to everyone else passed out in the living room at that hour. I faked asleep. I did not want to face the fact that he was drunk and that he might never speak to me again. So I watched him. And finally, after what seemed to be eons had gone bye, I said "Good-bye, call me after you get off of work." Because he told me he would the night before. And it all ended with a tiny kiss...
He hasn't called. I feel like one of those girls waiting bye the phone, praying for it to ring, jumpy and irritable at any sound that is the least bit shrill... or like my cell phone tone.
But I didn't eat everything in sight today. And I managed to go one day without praying for the toilet to not overflow again, one day without regretting the fact that I didn't buy a plunger, how I am going to afford all this food while wondering what to scarf down next...
Sometimes I think of myself as one of those rats that has a part of its cortex lesioned and no matter how much it eats it feels as if it is going to starve. I see myself with soft white fur, a long ugly nose, red beady eyes, and finally, huge sharp yellow teeth.
I don't know where I am going with this. I always write what I think, but sometimes I forget what I was thinking, what it all meant... Sometimes it is all worthless as it is.
I don't recall losing this weight, though I have lost close to fifteen pounds recently. My hair is falling out again, and even some of my friends commented that it looks thinner.
Well, it is.
And I am so stressed. My mom is most likely the sickest she has been since I can remember. There is a hole in her spine leaking fluid and they can only wait for it to heal. She was much worse, says she is getting better, but I worry. I love her. I don't know what I would do if my mother died, honestly. She has to be watched around the clock as it is... I just wish she would have me fly home, not insist on my staying here because she says, "Im okay, I won't die sweetie. Finish school. I love you and will see you soon."
It is so kind. Too kind. None of that feisty attitude, that admonishment. And it makes me worry more than anything.
I suppose I better end this before I get too wrapped up in it all. You are amazing if you read every word of my ramble.
Take care of yourselves. You only get one body, and one life.
7:53 PM - Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005
0 comments
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dying - living
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
