But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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I Will Never Go Hungry Again
I am finally over the emotional ups and downs of what I did over the weekend, though not wholly over what came out of it...
But I have to remember, gossip will go on. And it is the stronger person who stays away from it, who remembers that they are their own person, not what other people say they are. I have to remember that I do not have to associate with those people. If all else fails I must remember that there are only six weeks of school left and then I will never see this town or any of these people again unless it is I who chooses to do so.
I am going to go to school today. I didn't go yesterday. I did my homework, printed it up, checked for typos, got dressed... and then I was just too scared to go. The closer the time came the more terrified I felt, the more I shook, and the more ready to cry I felt. So I did not go. I e-mailed my teacher and I can tell I am on my last line with him.
I am in slight DKA right now. I didn't take any Lantus over the weekend, and skimped on it over the past few days. I finally took the full dosage last night. My friend Mar told me I smelled like nail polish remover and fruit, a sure sign of ketones. I saw a new doctor today, one who didn't even listen to my heart or lungs. I only comment on this because it is so different to me. The nurse didn't even take my temperature. When he asked how my sugars had been I told him I had missed my insulin for a few days and he only remarked, "Oh well, you are smart, I know you will get it under control." And I will, but an odd comment for a doctor.
The best part of my day was that my aunt bought me groceries. I told her I had enough, didn't need to go, my shame getting in the way of asking for help. So she went and bought me some while my cousin and I sat and ate at a restaurant only saying, "I'll be back in a few minutes." I had no idea where she was going. I was so happy to have food that even though I had just eaten a burrito (rather, gulped it down) I immediately set in on a few granola bars and a yogurt. This, of course, led me to be sick, especially after only eating dry cereal or nothing for the past five days. And everything, the burrito which I had treasured so much, the granola bars and delicious yogurt... They were all gone quicker than I shoveled them down in my ravenous manner.
Quite frankly I was relieved. And as I sit here typing this I think of all the lovely foods in my fridge as of now, how I will never let my children go hungry, and how I will never go hungry again...
How I will never do a lot of things again to damage my health. I have to try better. I can be a better person than I am.
1:41 AM - Thursday, Apr. 14, 2005
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dying - living
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