But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Poison Cupcakes
I have food poisoning from the cupcakes I baked yesterday. I unfroze eggs to bake them with, which I had accidentally frozen. I know that is how I got sick.
But when you are in binge mode you don't care. You do not care if food is stale, expired, moldy, contaminated...
I went over to Mar's apartment to borrow the plunger. I had been having diahhrea for a few hours, and finally my toilet clogged. I can only imagine how backed up our pipes must be with all the waste I rid myself of in that bathroom...
And I didn't leave. I couldn't. I was too dizzy to walk, to exhausted, and I was barely out of the bathroom before I was heading back in.
So I spent the night. They had bought Diet Rite, so I had no need to walk home for soda. I would walk anywhere half dead for soda, if need be. I would almost bounce my debit card for soda. I would buy soda over gum and cigarettes.
I didn't wake up until four in the afternoon, at which time I ate a bowl of ice cream and walked back to my aparment, still in last night's PJs.
My sugar dropped low once last night; It is once again high. I feel a bit better than I have been for the past few days emotionally, but still drained, empty, a void. I did take my Lexapro though, in hopes that it would bring up my mood. My aunt promised to make sure I got it on time next time. She saw how depressed I became, and I think it scared her. Usually she gets me my medications when she has time, assuming that even if I am out, as long as it isn't my insulin, I will be fine.
But I wasn't fine. But I could not say that. I could only patiently wait, glad that someone would pick them up. If I transferred them to the pharmacy here I could pick them up, but my mom will not let me. Like so many things she also controls that.
I just wish I knew what to say, had some answers, had something...
But I have to be healthy when Claire comes to visit. I just have to...
9:12 PM - Sunday, Apr. 03, 2005
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dying - living
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